There are three great struggles in literature: man versus man, man versus machine, amd man versus trying to figure out what the point of all these gears might be.

Now, as the people behind the world’s largest Steampunk event, we could give you a whole lot of suggestions and ideas about what to do if you want to run a great event. We thought we would take it from the opposite direction this time, though. So here are a bunch of utterly horrible ideas.

Note: We do not suggest using these ideas. They are really bad. So without further adieu, let me present…

Ten Terrible Ideas For Running Steampunk Events!

10. One of the great innovations of Steampunk is that its events tend to feature more performance and interactivity then traditional conventions. For one thing, people really love Steampunk bands. So figure this… If having one Steampunk band on good, having five Steampunk bands on stage the same time has got to be five times as good, right? So our recommendation is that you schedule all the performances to be in the same place at the same time. You can even make it a contest… The loudest band wins! Plus, you’ll make a fortune selling earplugs.

9. Steampunks love tea! To make them feel truly at home, brew a nice Earl Grey in the bathtub of each hotel room.

8. You can never go wrong with scones. We recommend replacing your main performance space with a 7 ton truckload of scones. As a pro tip, try not to do this more than one week out from the festival, or the scones will become inedible.  I mean, even more inedible than usual.

7. You should encourage your guests to socialize and meet each other. We recommend giving them all the wrong nametags. This way, they will spend the weekend talking to everyone else in a frantic attempt to find their own badges.

6. Actually, badges can get lost very easily. Be a courteous event organizer, and issue attendees with tattoos instead. It will take a little more time and money, but they won’t lose their badges!

5. If a mysterious blue police box appears in the center of your show, call the Daleks immediately.

4. Steampunks are time travelers, after all. Why not hold your event 100 years ago?

3. People love vendors. People love swimming pools and hotels. Why not put all your vendors into the swimming pool?

2. Give everyone a complementary magnum of absinthe. What could possibly go wrong?

1.  Pave over the parking lot. REAL Steampunks obviously do not use cars. If they don’t have an airship, they should go somewhere else.

very truly yours,

Jeff Mach / Jeff Mach Events