The Five Worst Steampunk Holiday Gifts

Women astronauts in the cabin of a spaceship and gift box. Vintage comics pop art retro color illustration.

Would you like a carefully-chosen Steampunk gift which shows that someone has given a lot of thought to what will make you happy?  That’s unfortunate, because instead, we’ve come to give you…

The Five Worst Steampunk Gifts 

#5.  A device which converts any fully-functional smartphone into a broken telegraph.  Telegraphs are AWESOME.  I would, however, be very sad to replace my phone with such a thing.  I might enjoy having BOTH, but that’s a different story.

Plus, I don’t know Morse Code, which would make telegraphing quite difficult.

#4.  Steam Powered Steam.  This is not a gift.  This is an appetizer to the least-satisfying dinner of your life.

#3.  Invitation to the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.  (Actually, I think this would be an incredible gift.  Until such time as zombies ate your brains, of course, at which point your appreciation would likely diminish considerably.

#2.  A book of Nikola Tesla’s favorite recipes.  I love Tesla and would never say a word against him, but in his later life, he ate nothing but milk, honey, bread, and vegetable juice.  AND…no coffee, ever!  I would perish.

#1.  The Kraken.  The Kraken is the most terrifying thing within the seven seas, and its vast tentacles could pull a hundred ships into a swirling maelstrom of the deepest waters with ease.  It is enormous, implacable, and always, always hungry.  It is one of the most fascinating and wondrous beasts in the world.  However, it still makes a terrible present.  For one thing, it will eat your entire family in the blink of its single great eye; for another, it’s very, vary hard to gift wrap.

-Jeff Mach

Jeff Mach Events

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