5 Terrible Ideas For Avoiding Con Crash

Victorian style frightened man screaming in a dark street.  Probably realized it's Monday.How do you avoid con crash?  We’ve all been there.  You go to a convention or festival, you have an incredible weekend, you meet amazing people, you do things that will remain joyful memories forever–and then you get home and crash hard.

Some of the best ways to avoid this, I find, are making sure to get enough sleep over the weekend; make sure to hydrate and take in nourishment; and stay connected to your convention/festival family via the event’s social media.

Want to help your friend with con crash?  You will find this article unbelievably, incredibly, supremely unhelpful!  So without further ado…

FIVE HORRIBLE WAYS TO HELP A FRIEND AVOID CON CRASH:

1. Do not throw your friend into piranha tank. Piranha make an ugly, buzzing sort of noise while they strip the flesh from your bones. This noise can easily be mistaken for that of a Starbucks Frapuccino blender, and you might draw a crowd of people who will be sorely disappointed when they find that there is no caffeine to be had. I recommend barracuda – keep them hungry enough, and they can eat someone fairly quickly.

2. If they’re cold, do not set them on fire. This plays havoc with household smoke detectors if you’re inside, and if you’re outside, it’s really inconsiderate to set your friends ablaze if you can’t provide people with the makings of S’mores when they come investigate.

3. Avoid blankets made out of poison ivy, unless they have really cute things embroidered on them.

4. Do not lock them in a room and play the Donald Glover novelty song “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah seventime times, unless, of course, it’s near Halloween. Let’s be seasonally appropriate, okay, people?

5. Sharks with frickin’ laser beams. Effective? Sure. But most residential areas won’t let you bring in more than one shark at a time, and that means you have to leave the rest of them in your car or something, where they’ll get really bored. Pro tip: If you do go this route, loan the sharks your Game Boy. There’s nothing whinier than a shark who’s been hanging out in the parking lot with nothing to do but criticize the music in your Spotify playlist.

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